Recent times have lead me to believe that living in the past is never going to help me. There is no one who is interested in my story, and likely never will be. However, the here and the now is something that affects not only me but everyone around me. For that reason, I am changing tunes.
I am set to be getting married in September of this year. Over the past few weeks, my brain has been reeling with so many thoughts that I don't even know how to process them all. My finance and I have an almost two year old daughter, whom we were pregnant with almost at the very beginning of our relationship. We had a long established friendship, but never had moved it into anything serious. Lately, and by lately i mean the past year or so, he and I have been struggling with almost every aspect of life that one can struggle with. We have had car problems, lost cars, been broke, been unable to pay bills or buy food, dealt with a sick baby, and so much more.
All of these things have put a huge amount of stress on our relationship. It has me thinking if the relationship we began with is or was really strong enough to withstand all of the trials of everyday life for the working class american. The love and adoration is there, deep down, but there is no longer any affection romance or intimacy to our relationship. Some days it feels as though I have a room mate whom i happen to have a child with. I know that these are not positive thoughts to be having when you are planning a wedding, especially one that is two months away and basically paid for, however, I cannot continue to hide the way i have been feeling.
I do love him, he is an excellent support system, a terrific father, and an overall good person. My fear is that we merely love each other, and all of the stress and trials that we have been through have caused us cease being IN love. There is such a large difference between the two, and I am terrified that we may not be able to leap over the chasm before it is too late.
In an attempt to repair things, I spent time this morning and wrote a letter (the old fashioned way) to my fiance. I tried my hardest to explain all of the massive rambling thoughts that have been pouring through my brain, and I can only pray that what my pen spilled onto the paper will come across in the correct way and that he will understand what it is that I need, or rather what it is that WE need.
This is a call for help, a terribly desperate call for help.
